I met with my ED nurse yesterday. I wanted to talk about changing my food plan. The last time I tried doing this by myself, it was a total disaster. I tried to remove simple carbs from my diet, and within a week, I was binging on chocolate candybars at work. So I tried it, it didn’t work, and I moved on. But now, I was gun-shy, aka hesitant to change my food plan by myself.
I am more hungry in the morning than the afternoon, and I’m not hungry at all at night. Well, a little around dinner, but not like the morning. I wanted to change my plan to have Breakfast (5 – 6 am), Lunch (9 am), Snack (noon), Snack (3-4 pm), and Dinner (6:30 pm). I’m not sure I’m going to do that. We think some of my issues may come from my choice of snacks. I really like to have a yogurt (8 oz) and an apple for snack. As part of getting over the ED, I decided to eat whatever yogurt my husband brought home from the store. Well, he brought home low fat yogurt with added sugar. I used to be fat-phobic, so that was what I would have freaked out about before. I probably wouldn’t have been thrilled with the sugar, empty calories. The ED nurse suspects that my early hunger issues may have to do with the sugar jolt from the yogurt. So I’m going to give it up, that brand, and tell DH to not bring home any more Cost Co yogurt. Instead, I’m going to get non-fat yogurt from Trader Joe’s (probably with live cultures) and pumpkinbutter (delish!) or jelly/jam/fruit spread stuff or if I have time and ability (excuse me, I’ll be back in 20 minutes to this very important meeting, but I have to cut up a melon for my snack) fruit. Now, to find time to go to Trader Joe’s.
I brought cheese sticks instead of yogurt for today, but for Delemeter brought in fresh baked bread and butter, so I ate that instead. Simple carbs, oh, well. No wonder I’m hungry at 10:30. I’ll eat an apple.
Can you say self-torture? I’m at work; I’m supposed to be working; I want to be working, but no, I’m obsessing about food and my eating disorder, what I’m supposed to be eating, what I’m not supposed to be eating, what eating the right/wrong thing does to me. I beat myself up for giving in to temtation and eating the bread. I didn’t follow my foodplan. I even brought string cheese for my snack. Did I eat it? No. Do I beat myself up? Hell, yes. Failure, Stupid, Weak keep whirling in my head. Oh, and it gets better! I could go to the bathroom and throw it all up. Great idea!
And here’s the improvement: I identify those thoughts as distortions. I accept … no, I assert that I had control and that I made a conscious choice to eat the bread. I do NOT go to the bathroom to purge.
I wish the thoughts would stop. I mean, I can stop them, but I wish they never appeared. I wish I didn’t feel guilty/bad/weak/etc when I eat a slice of bread. A slice of bread for God’s sake!
So this isn’t really a thought record, but I’ll end with an affirmation.
I ate the bread; I enjoyed it; it was good; I chose to eat it, and it is good for me to eat small amounts of things that do not meet the maximize nutrients/minimize calories criteria.