Ease-in To Motherhood 2

Yesterday, I wrote about how becoming a mother lead to my sewing most of my own clothing as part of Ease-in to motherhood motherhood sewing blog event.  Today, I’m going to talk about something else.

I’ve struggled with depression for most of my teen and adult life.  One therapist, and I’ve had many, thinks that what happened was a long slow descent into severe depression that started when I was a young teenager.  In addition to depression, I have an eating disorder.  Most of the time, I’d have been diagnosed with bulimia, and like many bulimics, I considered myself a failed anorexic.  Eating disorders are complicated and are not easily categorized.  In addition, there is a popular mythos that has arisen.  I don’t fit that mythos, and most of my behaviors, be they restricting or purging, were masked as “being healthy”.  It wasn’t until I was seen by someone who worked in the area of eating disorders that I was diagnosed.

After my son was born, for a very brief period, I experienced what I call postpartum euphoria. In fact, for most of my pregnancy with Tony, except for some morning sickness in the first trimester, I felt really good.  But the euphoria didn’t last.  Before long, I was struggling to get out of bed.  I had no energy, and I wasn’t feeling anything.  It was like experiences had to be extreme to penetrate the depression before I would react to them.  And as the depression got worse, the eating disorder spiraled out of control.  I wasn’t eating, and when I was, it was like I was slipping off with my abusive, illicit lover, ED (for eating disorder), to have an orgy.  Of course, after the orgy, ED beat the crap out of me, figuratively speaking that is.  (Note: People with eating disorders often center their identities around the eating disorder, so separating one’s self from ED breaks that identification.)

Things got so bad that I thought I might lose my job.  I’m very lucky that my employer also employs the EAP counselor.  She’s on-site, and if she has space in her schedule, she can give you time even if you have exhausted your EAP benefit.  She is the one who finally, after about 30 years of having an eating disorder, diagnosed me.  I thought I was being healthy, eating carrots, apples, fat free yogurt, skim milk and drinking 2 gallons of water a day.  She helped me with the depression, and she helped me get into an out-patient eating disorder program.

It has been a long, hard road to recovery.  I think I damaged my heart when I was in my 20s and very bulimic, and I may have other health consequences from being sick for so long. But I am faithful to my therapy sessions, and I am able to manage things.  The recidivism rate for eating disorders is very high; official statistics say 30% to 50%, but based on my experience of 12 years of group therapy, I’d say the rates are much closer to 100%.  Very, very few people stay the course.  In my groups, more people have died from the eating disorder than have left the program successfully.  No, it’s worse than that: more people have died than have stayed in the program.  It could be that I am only exposed to those who have been sick the longest, and the longer one has an eating disorder, the less likely it is that one will ever ditch ED.  But I keep going to group.  I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to return to those behaviors.

The thing that has kept me going back to group is my children.  I want to see them grow up, graduate high school, graduate college, be successful adults, have children, or whatever it is that they choose to do. I’m a little apprehensive about what will happen when the kids leave home, but I have tools and support that I didn’t have before.  Fingers crossed.

Sewing and making friends with other women who sew has also helped me.  For one thing, they are a welcoming, loving, supportive group.  But they have also helped me restate how I think of my body because very few of us fit a pattern out of the envelope. They have railed against the term “figure flaws”.  They have bemoaned the fact that most of us shop and shop and shop, and still, nothing fits.  They have shown me the difference that well fitting clothing makes in comfort and, yes, in appearance.

And they have shown me how to buy lots and lots of fabric.  🙂  When I was depressed, I bought a lot of fabric.  I don’t buy very much these days.  I have a fabric cabinet, and I have tubs of fabric under our kingsized platform bed.  My goal is to only have as much fabric as the cabinet will hold.

Valuing myself enough to speak back to the eating disorder didn’t happen until after I had children, and in part, my relationship with other women who sew has also contributed to my valuing myself.  I’ll continue to mother my children, go to group, and sew up my fabric stash, and maybe, some day, I’ll be free of ED, have successful, happy adult children, have a fabulous wardrobe, and have all of my fabric in that cabinet … um, actually, it’s two cabinets, but still that is a worthy goal.

Birth of a Blog

judyGarland

This is Judy Garland. The roses are beautiful, but this isn’t a good rose for a hot climate. She does great in the spring, but she’s a sad looking bush in the summer and fall.

So what do you think of my new blog? I haven’t decided on the “theme” or blogskin for it. This one is cute, but there are others that I like, too. And I could try to recreate the blogskin from blogger. Or I suppose I could mix and match to get one that reflects me. I’m not sure if I’m going to move my old archives or not.


On the sewing front, I haven’t done much. I made a couple of t-shirts in May, and I have images to post of those. I’m working on Jalie 971. I’m using “dance” fabric for the toile. It might be the first toile. I made my
Kwik Sew tank suit from the same fabric; it held up fine to the chlorine. This time, I ran out of the first color, a dark turquoise, and had to use lime green for the lining. It’s an interesting combination. I lined the whole thing, and I still need to sew the shoulders and sides and put in the elastic. Oh, I made size BB right out of the package, no alterations. This suit has a Y back, so I’m not concerned about it falling off my shoulders. I think it’s going to be too high cut for me in the legs, but we shall see.

I wore Kwik Sew 2529 chafe guard. It’s out of silkweight powerdry. It’s too big, well not too big, but it’s not as snug as I’d like it. I think I will lengthen the legs a tad more if I make it again. And I probably won’t make it out of powerdry. It wasn’t more comfortable than the RTW version that I have out of nylon/spandex. I think I would rather have the tighter (hold it in) fit in a spandex fabric or a cotton knit with or without spandex. I posted a review at pattern review.

On the gardening front, I’m clearing out a few years of overgrowth in the backyard. It’s interesting to me to note the difference in not only what I have energy to do, but what I want to do, now that I’m on 200 mg/day of Zoloft. I haven’t been sewing or sitting at the computer as much; I’ve cooked and gardened. So I’m more peppy, and my interested have changed.

On the eating disorder front, I dunno. It’s going to be a long, hard road. I wasn’t logging my food, so this week, I’ve made a concerted effort to do it at CalorieKing. I just don’t believe that I’m going to get well as long as I’m this overweight. I look at the number on the scale, and I think, “I have got to lose weight.”